Over When It's Over

Tonight I was driving home, reflecting on 2013 and thinking about how ready I am for 2014:

I remember the beginning of 2013, the ups and the downs, the stress and the laughter, the new things and the exciting things, the love and happiness, the tears and insecurities.

I remember the middle of the year when it felt like my world was falling apart. When I lost something I never thought I'd lose and when I felt so hurt and disappointed, so wounded and sad.

I remember the fall when I bounced back, stronger than ever before. A new found freedom, confidence and courage. The finding of myself again and the creation of my vision for my new life.

I remember this winter, which started by me quitting a job where I was under-appreciated and starting my own business. Now I'm kind of in my own little bubble, with no one to answer to but myself, completely able to ebb & flow with life.

2013 was not what I expected it to be. There are those moments in life that are defining moments. Previously I had written about how living in California would forever be a defining chapter of my life. Well, 2013 gave me the 2nd defining chapter of my life. I look back on how much it changed, from one season to the next, from beginning to end, and I can't believe it. I never in a million years expected the year that started off so beautifully a year ago tomorrow to bring me what it has. 2013 has been my capstone course in my education of life. And I have a feeling that it is only the beginning.

And so, while I am thankful for the lessons and hard work of 2013, I am so ready for a fresh new start with 2014. Technically, you can create a clean slate at any moment but this January 1 will be a true, new beginning for me. 2014 will not be tainted with the heaviness of these past 6 months. It ends here. It stops today. I will be fearless. And I will say goodbye and close this chapter of my life.

When I turned on my road tonight, a song came on the radio. "Over when it's over" by Eric Church. Tears welled up in my eyes. This song has meaning for me. At the beginning of 2013, my ex and I would play this song and laugh the entire time because I could NEVER get the words right. Ever. I completely made them up. (I'm not good with the words to any song, but this one especially). It was a happy song for me because of that. Then, around the time of our break-up, this song became a sad song for me (I mean, listen to the lyrics - it is for a sure a break-up song). And then, now, today, as 2013 draws to a close, this song comes on -- seemingly as a way to commemorate my thoughts that this is over. It's done, the baggage is let go.

2014 has no room for what 2013 leaves behind. I'm taking my lessons and graduating to bigger & better things. I am starting 2014 off alone and I'm going to be so protective of what I let in. I will make no predictions as to what the year will hold for me {because, as I learned, it never goes according to your plan} All I know for 2014 is that I resolve to be happy, and to be fearless. One day at a time. I will make 2014 mine, and I will make it great, whatever it may bring.

The Meaning of Christmas

This Christmas was a very different one than those in the past. Normally, the day after Thanksgiving, I would get immediately in the Christmas spirit. I couldn't wait to listen to Christmas carols and watch my favorite Christmas movies. We used to go pick out the perfect live tree the day after Thanksgiving and would spend the day decorating it and the house. We went to the wild lights at the zoo. I loved thinking of creative gifts to give. I just loved the Christmas spirit. Church services seemed more meaningful and beautiful. And, for the most part, people seemed to be in a happier mood. They were more apt to smile for no reason, or to let a car go in front of them. I seemed to notice these behaviors and would partake in them myself.

I'm sure I lacked a bit of the Christmas spirit because I was comparing this Christmas to those in my recent past. And maybe I was partially in denial that it was really here this soon. It took my family awhile to put up our tree and I would say that we didn't really get in the Christmas spirit until a week or so before. We looked at the Christmas display downtown and went to a beautiful Christmas Choir concert. I went to a few festive parties and we finally drove around town to look at Christmas lights, and that all helped boost the spirit. Then we made our Christmas cookies, a favorite tradition.

I never made it to the zoo and I watched only one Christmas movie, and didn't catch the Christmas music station on my satellite radio until a week before. None of us did our Christmas shopping until the day before -which has NEVER happened. But, even if it was a little off at first, I am so glad that we didn't miss out on the spirit of the season entirely. It might have been delayed, but we finally got in the full spirit of Christmas.

No matter the reasons behind the Christmas season feeling a little less than Merry at first, it ended well. I ended my day yesterday fully living and understanding the meaning of Christmas. We (my parents and I) spent Christmas Eve with only my grandparents -- I remember when my cousins and I were all little, we would have a visit from Santa and the floor would be covered with wrapping paper. This year we didn't open any presents, we just spent time together. My parents and I spent our Christmas morning together and didn't have a lot of gifts to open but I wore my Santa hat and we ate cinnamon rolls, both traditions for as many years as I can remember. I literally could not think of anything to put on my Christmas list for my parents to get me, and vice versa, so we just counted our blessings. How blessed we are that we don't need anything. {Sure, I got some gift cards and money but probably my favorite gift was my Christmas card from my Dad -- "Meg, I hope your new year is bigger and better than this year. Remember your Mom and I are always behind you 100%. Always have been and always will be." -- It doesn't get any better than that.}

After our morning together, my grandparents came down and we all went to my aunt and uncle's. We have been going there for Christmas dinner for years and years. Deaths in the family and family growing apart have caused the numbers to dwindle a bit, which is sad. But it was so nice to go back there yesterday, and remember the tradition. It was nice to visit with my family that I don't see often and reminisce, laugh, eat and play Euchre.

When my parents and I got home, our electric went off. It was a nuisance but they assured us it would be on again soon -- and it was a couple hours later -- but I wasn't even mad. We had been looking forward to relaxing and watching some TV. I didn't want to use my wireless, my computer or my cell so the batteries wouldn't die. So it was an unexpected break from technology that I relished in. I decided to read a book. {The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry which I've read in English and French so many times I lost count. Everyone should read it. The lesson of the book fits the meaning of Christmas -- "One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eye."}

We built a fire and, just as my Dad was getting the generator hooked up, the electric came back on. We reflected on the lesson: Yes, we were without electric on Christmas, but someone was out there fixing our problem, away from their family and in the cold, on Christmas. Yes, we couldn't use our water (shower, toilet, anything) and it was getting colder but we had a roof over our head. The generator wouldn't have powered the whole house or lasted forever, but we had it. We were together, in want of nothing, on Christmas. Not every family is lucky enough to say that -- whether due to deployment, deaths, hospitalization, working 1st responders, distance -- there are a lot of families separated at the holidays. The poor and homeless -- they couldn't provide the things they wanted or needed; they didn't have warmth, or a feast to share.

My family was provided for and together on Christmas and had the best gift of all - love. And that is the true meaning of Christmas.

Little Surprises

I was reading through some blogs today and came across one story I just loved:

"An older couple came in and sat at one of my tables. The man had a bad leg. They were going to see a show. The woman asked me as kindly and modestly as possible if I wouldn’t mind not rushing them, even though she knew we were desperate to turn tables. I said no problem and spent an hour or so making it look like they were eating and drinking more than they were. They asked why I was working on Christmas Eve. I told them my mom did her own thing, as did my sister. They asked if I was married to which I jokingly told them in fact I had just been dumped a few hours previous. As I said it, tears welled up in my eyes. That feeling of being overtired, homesick, heart broken and frustrated by where I was standing at that very moment got me. I was holding three plates, smiled and excused myself. When the couple finally left, I was packing food for another table to take out. The woman came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, surprised, assuming I had forgotten something. She gave me an additional twenty dollars, and hugged me. Like, the kind of hug your grandma gives you She said, “everything will work out just fine for you. This will be a better year. I promise.”

You can read the full post here - this story was #4.

Reading this warmed my heart & brought a tear to my eye. I can relate to just how powerful little moments like this can be. Over this past week, I've had numerous little surprises happen to me that just touched me. I mean, little random acts of kindness are kind of always around but for some reason, lately my life has been filled with them. It honestly makes a world of difference. It just brightens your day, has the power to change your mood, and really renews your faith in humanity -- at least thats what it does for me. 

Hearing from an old friend who just wanted to check in, being given the benefit of the doubt, being paid a compliment from someone who you thought didn't even think about you any more, knowing something you did was appreciated and made a difference. Even polite drivers in traffic! These are all things I've experienced this week and each one made me realize what huge impacts we can make on others with just the tiniest gesture or kind word. 

With the commercialization and hustle & bustle of the holiday season, it is easy to get caught up in our own little world of impatiently rushing around, with only concern for ourself. The holiday season doesn't seem quite the same for me this time around but I still want to focus on not becoming an angry elf :) 

We're supposed to be Merry, and spreading Cheer. There is a joy of the season that we should spread -- and should resolve to carry out into the New Year. 

"Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly and most underrated agent of human change. Kindness that catches us by surprise brings out the best in our natures."

~Bob Kerry

Live in Truth

I had a tough week this week.

It started off normal & great. I was feeling happy, ambitious & motivated, in control.
But as the week went on, a couple things sprung up that just caught me off guard, I guess. I was knocked back a few steps. I  actually don't think that is a problem. That happens in life - sometimes your 10 steps forward are followed by a few steps back. It has happened before, and will happen again. The actual problem is how I feel about those steps back. I hate going backwards. I have worked so hard to move forward. I am a very prideful person, and anyone who knows me well knows that I put on a strong front and take on everything internally because of that pride. So I hate it when something knocks my control loose and shakes my internal…wall, if you will. Because then it is no longer easy to stay strong on the outside -- and that is something prideful Me hates.

Whenever I take a tumble backwards, I have a few day recovery period before I can move forward. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I wallow a bit in those sad feelings of disappointment. Of "How can you let this happen?" and "Maybe you hadn't moved quite as forward as you thought." I second guess all the progress I thought I had made. And the worst part is, I know those thoughts aren't truth. Logically, I tell myself everything I've learned and can make sense of why I fell back. I talk myself through it and yet still feel sad. My therapist told me to let yourself feel and live in every emotion because your emotions are truth. You have to listen to them. By listening to your emotions & understanding them, then you can do something about it, you can manage them. So, I let myself feel sad long enough to figure out that I hate it so much that I have to do something about it, although I don't always know what that means.

Yesterday was proof that things happen when you need them to. I was talking to one of my favorite friends about my week and {like I knew she would} she inspired me and taught me to realize something. That steps backwards are allowed to frustrate you, but you still have to seize the opportunity to learn from them. She said sometimes you learn more from the bad than the good and so I realized, "Yes, I am supposed to be learning something from this." For me, there is healing in learning so I have to embrace that. Then, I happened upon an article about people who experience hardships, appreciate the positive-present more than those who hadn't. Immediately after that, I saw a quote somebody shared that said "You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life."  Essentially, all of these things coming into my life yesterday was my cue that I've done enough wallowing about my plateau, and now I need to move on. I picked up the book I'm reading and was reminded of its lesson that right when you are on that ledge between known and unknown, fear and security, comfort and discomfort, that moment when you feel like you have no control…that is when you truly have the most control. That is when you are most in the moment of truth. Jumping off that ledge into some unknown is when you practice the most courage and when you have the most to gain. And you are completely in control of that decision and that moment.

So I reflected on where I was, and had been for a few days. The moment on the ledge of being sad about going backwards. I let myself live there for a minute. I let myself remember that I hated it because it took away my control. And then I took control. I made the decision that was up to me to make. That I have to focus on moving forward. The next time I have a bad day and find I went a few steps back, my goal is to remember this lesson. To live there in that moment long enough to appreciate and accept it. And then, to take control and make the decision to jump off the ledge and move forward.

Small Business Saturday

Happy Black Friday :)

I'm taking a break from writing my normal blog posts to talk a little about Small Business Saturday.

I own a small consulting business (yes, that will be in a forth coming post!) and I work with and know several small business owners. I am lucky enough to live in Columbus which is a thriving, supportive community built of local, small businesses. When you experience this first hand, it's hard not to get passionate about supporting local small businesses.

This holiday season, I am vowing to only buy local. I am encouraging you to do the same, starting tomorrow (Nov 30th) with Small Business Saturday. #shopsmall

Below I have listed some of my favorite local businesses that I urge you to support. {there are many others, of course!} There are a few independent consultants listed here as well and, while they represent a national company, you are helping a member of your local community pay their bills or support their family. It is no different than a local boutique owner carrying a national brand of clothing. I have also included a couple brands that aren't local but give a portion of their proceeds to charitable works.

For the jewelry lover on your list:
Red Giraffe Designs (hand-made, unique)
Silpada (quality .925 silver)
Stella & Dot (fashion jewelry)

For hand made knits:
Made with Love Knits

For a creative outlet:
Creative Art Studio

For a little pampering at the spa:
replenish: the spa co-op

For that person on your list resolving to get in shape in 2014:
Urban Moves

Boutiques & Clothing:
De De & Dolly Boutique
Thread
Rowe
Tiger Tree
Ladybird
Homage

For home furniture, decor & accents:
Edwin Loy Home
Objects for the Home

Book lovers, unite:
The Book Loft

For the food guru in your life, gift cards to any of the following:
Giuseppe's, Cork, The Rossi…I mean, I could go on & on. Just walk down High St, 4th St (Dirty Franks, Little Palace) or Gay St and you can't go wrong.

For amazing food to bring to your holiday parties:
Larry B's Meat & Cheese

For that person who loves to give back:
Good works make a difference
Sevenly.org

And, lastly, for my own little plug --
For the clean, vegan, paleo, non-toxic-lover type in your life:
Ava Anderson Non-Toxic (non-toxic products for baby, home and you)

So, again, whether you purchase a gift or a gift card, please support your local community & #shopsmall on Small Business Saturday and all through the Holiday gift-giving season!

Thanks for stopping by my blog -- I'll be back to posting about the Single Girl Project soon!

Monday Motivation

Start the week off with a little inspiration:

"This is the beginning of a new day...what you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it"

Earn your years

This week I have been identified as being well under my true age multiple times. I am not complaining at all -- that will never get old! When this happened in the past, I would have typically just brushed it off. Now, however, I have been defiantly correcting this mistake. 

I am proud of my age. I have earned my years. I want to wear them as a badge of honor for everyone to see! So now I politely smile, say thanks, and offer my true age with confidence.

I recently read an article outlining the different aspects of your twenties and it caused me to reminisce on mine. They have been fabulous. Incredible. Wonderful. My Aunt Maria (probably the wisest woman I know) always told me "your twenties are your best." The most fun, the time where you are socially allowed to find and create yourself. The time to try new things. To be bold in your mistakes. 

And now, as I get closer to thirty and see how far I've come since twenty; as I look back on the broad spectrum of change I experienced from twenty till now...I am filled with so much pride and love for those years.  I know I'm going to tell my future children the same thing my Aunt Maria told me -- live up your twenties, make them count, they are the very best. 

I think in general people change a little bit over time -- as life experiences affect them, as they become spouses or parents. But I've already gone through the down and dirty work of learning who I am and making myself into who I want to be a few times in my twenties. {In fact, in the past few months, I have gotten to know myself better than at any other time in my life} And I don't think I will be able to say that about any other decade of my life. 

I know the other decades will have great things to offer and that I'm the type of person that will be happy with wherever I am in life, no matter the time. But I am going to always look back on my twenties with pride, love and a nostalgia that knows that the spark my twenties had will never be repeated in the same way again. 

I am going to be so wistful to turn 30. Not because of the number, but because of what I'm leaving behind, the door that will be closed. I've got a year and a half left, I'm going to make them the most amazing yet. When I turn 30, I want to shout it from the mountaintops because I know what it took to make it there. And, then, I'll do the same at 40. 

One day

I had a good day today.

I went to a very(!) early networking meeting and conversed with a wide variety of people -- all looking to get ahead and gain some new business. I unexpectedly ran into a sorority sister from college. It was a great way to start my morning.

Then I spent a couple of hours helping my Grandma with some charitable work which felt really good and served as a reminder that I need to get involved in volunteering again. And I got to spend time with her, always a blessing!

In the afternoon I went downtown to work. I got to park in my new spot in the monthly parking garage (yay for scoring a commodity!) and on the walk to my building, I took some deep breaths to bring myself to the moment. Granted, city air isn't the most refreshing but it was cool & crisp and heightened my awareness of how it felt to be in the midst of the hustle & bustle with my tailored pea coat and new Coach work bag. It was a new feeling, and kind of neat.

From the office, I went to a class at Barre3 in UA. I love love love this facility and the workout I receive there. On the way in, I ran into another sorority sister that I hadn't seen in awhile so that was a wonderful surprise! My body felt every bit of the hour long exercise. This became evident when I lifted my foot to the brake on my way home and the muscles in my leg began to shake!! I called my instructor (also a sorority sister - apparently it was a Zeta day!) to tell her I was really feelin it! But it felt amazing.

After, I grabbed a bite to eat with my friend BB. We went to a charming little place that offers lean Mediterranean food, which went perfectly with the fact that I didn't really want to undo my Barre3 workout. While walking to meet her, I repeated my walk from earlier in the day. I took a couple deep breaths of the evening air and reflected on my busy and wonderful day.

I thought "This is exactly where I should be." A 28 year old single gal walking to meet a girlfriend for dinner in a hip little pocket of town after a fulfilling day of being productive and randomly catching up with friends. And then the interesting thought came to me of how I'm just one person living my life, but in thousands of cities across the country, there are millions of other 28 year old women doing the same thing, living a day fairly similar to mine. Their gyms, their friends, their offices, their little pocket of the world…but most of us probably went through very similar routines and were ending our day with dinner with a girlfriend. I honestly didn't know whether to feel connected, connected to a much bigger.. thing, or to feel disconnected, like when you look at the ocean and don't see the individual drops of water that it's made of. Either way, it was one of those moments that is bigger than you and you just let the thoughts and feelings rush over you. I love that feeling, I love those moments.

Yeah, it was a good day.

Soul Sisters

I have been blessed with having a wonderful array of friends. I have my best friends from elementary, my best friend from high school, friends from living in LA, my sorority sisters, friends from different jobs I've held through the years and friends that I met through other people and we formed our own friendship from there. I'm someone that truly loves and appreciates the connections and relationships that are built simply by being a friend. People are what makes the difference in this world -- people change lives, not things.

In pretty much all facets of life, I always believe quality is more important than quantity. It is fairly common to have surface-level friendships, but I want substance and meaning. Even if that means having 5 friends instead of 50, at least they would be amazing ones. I have a lot of friends, but they are all quality human beings, and add quality to my life. None probably more so than my soul sisters.

These are the girlfriends I met in college, outside of my sorority. We all were brought together in a random way, which proves to me even more that we were meant to be. None of us grew up with biological sisters so we always say that bringing us together was God's way of giving us the sisters we never had. It is rare to have a friendship that runs so deep where you truly feel you're connected in your soul, that you are truly sisters. It is even more rare to have this with a group of 5 women. {let's be honest -- women don't always get along with one another..}

For the record, we call ourselves CAMM (the first letter of each of our first names) and T-CAMM (when we are joined by the 5th member who now lives out of state). We most recently coined the term CAMMtastic because..I mean, why wouldn't we!? We even hash tagged it (of course!)

T-CAMM in a picture taken at least 5 years ago, I think.

My girls and I have been through a lot together since meeting in college -- cross-country moves & cross-country visits, heartache & weddings. We've been emotionally separated and built back up. When it isn't possible to frequently see one another, we rely on group texts where we share an inspirational quote, a funny story, or vent the day's frustrations. Where would I be without these girls, I wouldn't want to know.

A few weeks ago, 4 of us planned on going to a concert -- girl's night & live music, what could be better?!? The concert was cancelled at the last minute. It was a Monday night, we all had our own lists of mundane things we could do, but we decided to still get together and have an impromptu "Wine Your Art Out" night at Creative Art Studio, which is owned by one of the members of CAMM. Let's just say at first it seemed unfortunate that the concert was cancelled but it turned out to be a way better night at CAS then anything else we could have planned.

We conversed over pizza & wine and then got to work on painting. Anna's an amazing teacher and very patient -- she let us each do our own painting rather than all working on the same one, which is the way a typical WYAO operates. Let me just say, this was a perfect way to end a Monday and start off the rest of our week. (By the way, if this sounds like a creative escape you'd like to enjoy with your friends, you can host your own private WYAO, too).

Here's a photo of us with our finished pieces of art:

Several months ago the 4 of us picked a weekend in November that we wanted to do a girls' getaway. Last weekend came upon us suddenly & we didn't even book our hotel until Tuesday! All we knew was that we were all free and we were going to be together. We road tripped to Pittsburgh, ate amazing food and shopped till we dropped. There's something about discovering hidden gem restaurants in a new city, making a place your own and not knowing anyone but the girls you are with that is just so freeing. We laughed SO hard, we shopped for 8 hours and still were getting along at the end of it, we made our suite into a throwback dorm room of getting ready, dancing to music and enjoying pre-dinner cocktails. 

Having SO much fun in the hotel suite

On the drive we talked about life and babies (A & M are married, babies are next!) This trip was when it really hit me that oh my gosh we are getting older, life is changing. Ordinarily, I think there would be a panic that would set in. You always hear that as people get married, and then after they have kids, they drift away and settle into a new world with other married parents. But we're CAMM, we're soul sisters for life. I'm not going to be forgotten friend Meghan, I'm going to be Auntie Meghan. And maybe girls' weekends will be fewer and farther between, or maybe they'll turn into girls' weekend plus hubbies and babies but they will happen, and they will be full of wonderful memories. 

I cherish these girls and our moments together and I'm looking forward to experiencing what the future holds. It's going to be CAMMtastic.

Moments of Quietude

So, remember a couple of posts ago when I said I'm going to try to live in the moment by being calm in my heart?? It's working!! :)  I've had some recent experiences that have helped me realize what moments of peace look like, feel like. And the peace those moments brought me has lived with me. It's a great feeling. It's making everything better. I'm having a great, busy week and yet my heart doesn't feel busy at all! I am definitely noticing myself being more conscious of the moments I'm living in and just freely enjoying them. My heart isn't busy, it's happy.

Here's how it happened:

Last week I went on a 3 mile walk with one of my best friends. It was perfect! We got to exercise, catch up and be one with nature all at once. Watching the sun go down, smelling the country air and feeling the crisp fall breeze…it doesn't get more peaceful than that!

{doesn't this just make your heart be still?}

Then, this past weekend, I went for a little weekend getaway to Tennessee. The whole point of the trip was to not think about anything so I took that viewpoint to heart and didn't really think twice about going. I said yes and went with it, which is a little unlike me. This in and of itself made it a bit of a liberating experience that allowed my heart to be free. {Turns out a free heart makes for a calm heart}

You know the phrase "follow your heart" --I personally like "follow your arrow, wherever it points"-- I think it was coined for a reason. Your heart knows what you need. My heart told me to go on this getaway because it knew it would be good for me. And: it was the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time.  Everyone knows you don't relax on the weekends - you're either catching up on chores or errands, or catching up with friends you lost touch with during the week. That's what we do on weekends, and that's great. But what do you do when you just need to relax? Get a massage? Never a bad idea, of course but, if you're like me, your mind never stops racing, reviewing everything you need to do once you leave. Go on vacation? No, not me. My vacations aren't even all that relaxing. Fun, and necessary, yes. But not relaxing - there's still something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see. There was NONE of that this weekend. Absolutely none. I had nothing to do. I cannot even tell you the last time that happened in my life. I don't remember.  

This weekend I sat on the couch in a log cabin in the Tennessee mountains that overlooked a cove of Ft Loudoun lake. I watched football. I took a two hour nap. And then I took several more cat naps after that. I ate delicious home cooked meal after home cooked meal. We barely left the house and when we did it was to go sit at the dock, or go to the marina for dinner, or take an aimless drive through town. 

We all know that would never happen at home. You feel guilty for relaxing, for not getting something done. This weekend, guilt was not on the itinerary. I didn't think or worry about one thing. Literally. Time stopped, my mind was still. I knew peace. 

{so calm, so quiet}

Borrowed Wisdom

My best friend shared this blog post with me from fellow blogger Hannah Brencher. 
I love sources of inspiration & this is an amazing example :) Read & enjoy! 

1) Life is a steep, uphill battle but it’s fierce & it’s beautiful & you’ll be sad to see it go if you live it right.

2) New people won’t stop coming into your life and opportunities won’t stop knocking on the door but you need to have the space for them. In all you currently have– be them relationships or obligations– step back and ask yourself “why.” If you can find the answer, hold tighter. If the answer escapes you, it’s time to let something go.

3) You should resolve to be awesome for the rest of your life. Right now. Do it.

4) Leggings, no matter how much we wish, will never one day magically transform into pants. Wearing them with tops that don’t cover your bum is not cute. Please, please, please stock up on pants.

5) Goals are not a January 1st kind of thing. Set them weekly. Set them monthly. Set them so that you are moving forward and always trying to progress. Life can grow stagnant without them… beware.

6) Tuna and barbeque sauce are as unlikely a couple as Sandy and Danny from Grease. However, they go together. They go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong. Don’t gag at the computer, I promise I am not fooling you. Mix the two together with some brown rice and you’ve got a bomb.com lunch.

7) Confidence is a sexy thing. Guys dig it. Girls dig it. We all dig it.

8) I agree with Bruno Mars and, if I were a good singer, I’d serenade you alongside him in singing how I hope he buys you flowers… and holds your hands… and takes you to parties if you like to dance. You deserve that. Always. Don’t think you should have less than that. You are worthy beyond words, gal.

9) And maybe Bruno Mars should be president because he’s also right to say that you are amazing. Just the way you are. No frill. No big introductions. You’re unlike anyone else and you should lean into that every morning. Every evening. Every hour.

9.5) Knowing your states & geography is a really precious thing. As a recovering “I didn’t pay attention in Geography class and forgot my states one by one so that boys would think I was ditzy & cute, and it was, in fact, ditzy & cute until the day I made the mistake of asking everyone in Missouri how they liked living down south,” I can say firsthand that it’s really wonderful to know that Russia isn’t on top of the US and that Delaware is, in fact, a state. The moral of this bloated story: guys have never wanted us to be stupid. They actually like brain cells. It’s a wonder & a mystery but they really kind of, sort of, definitely like girls with a noggin. ALL HAIL THE LADIES WHO LIKE HTML CODING & UNDERSTAND MARXIST THEORY!! HOLLAAAA!!! WE WINNNN AFTER ALL THESE YEARSSSS!!

10) Your spirit will never benefit from shallow people. You gotz to cut the toxic out of your life, boo.

11) And if you make mean comments, and you talk about people behind their back without ever trying to love them or see where they are coming from, you MIGHT be the toxic one. Oof. I’m not trying to burn you, just trying to say that relationships are too valuable to muddy them up with what you perceive to be the shortcomings of someone else. Big girls do bigger things than that.

12) So yea, I’ll drive the point home: gossip is shallow and stupid. Hobbies are better. Social good is best 

13) Nude pumps. They’re good for the soul. They are a must-have in any serious closet. Buy a pair one day and I can promise your whole entire style statement will benefit from them.

14) Here’s the truth: you are going to waste a lot of hours focusing on who you are not, or who you want to secretly be. But you won’t ever wake up and actually be that person. You’ve got to embrace what you bring to the table. If you don’t like what that is, have the courage to change it.

15) The world does not revolve around us. Turns out that we are just little points of punctuation in a much bigger story glittered with periods & commas & dashes. How are you helping that story to be better? How are you being the best dang point of punctuation that you can be?

16) If you ever find yourself frying Oreos on the stove top (and being an absolute BOSS at it), do not, I REPEAT, do not take the simmering pot of grease straight from the stove and pour it directly into the sink. The thing will straight up explode… And grease will fly everywhere… And you will risk burning your pretty little face off… And then everyone will probably call you “Vat of Grease Face” or “Grease Lightning” (what is with all the Grease references, Hannah?!) for the rest of your life… And, if they do, you can refer them to this blog post and tell them to read point #11. But still, dump the grease outside and keep your face intact.

17) If you want to run a serious business, if you want people to take you seriously, then start your engine and sign out some library books. Business books are proof that God loves us. Lean In by Sheryl Sandbergwill make you a better leader. Seth Godin is the dude you wanted to take the prom all these years and never knew it until you cracked open his book “Tribes.”

18) No matter how tech savvy we get, there is a need to say things to a person’s face. Please, for the love of lovelier things, have the courage to call someone up and verbalize your thoughts or meet for a coffee.Breaking a heart is hard stuff, stopping a relationship is never fun, but there will never be anything as loud as this statement: You are worth my words. You are worth my presence. You are worth, and will always be worth, more than just letters on a screen and a broken heart jammed in the crooks of an overflowing inbox. Face to face connections are fading faster, please don’t let them get away…

19) First impressions are important. Really. That truth never changes. So refer to point #4. Really meditate on it.

20) No matter what kind of interview you are gearing up for, there are certain standards you should always hold yourself to: wearing something other than jeans, not talking out your phone during the interview, sending a handwritten note afterwards. An interview means you want something but it doesn’t mean they have to give it to you.

21) Regret is a real thing. It’s going to happen. It’s going to come clomp-clomp-clomping into your life at some point. Don’t hold onto things forever but learn from them and let the past go. The past will be a dictator if you let her.

22) You never want to be the COTS (chick on the side). Girls, GIRLS!!!! IF A GUY HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND HE IS STILL TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU IN A “YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I WANT” WAY, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. HE SHOULD MAN UP AND ACTUALLY LET THE OTHER GIRL GO. IF HE DOES NOT THEN WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. You are worth so much more than second string in relationships. And being a COTS is not an endearing title. Be the better lady and hop off his swag; you are breaking the heart of girl you don’t even know without ever really meaning to. (And truthfully: real men aren’t interested in finding another gal, they’re too wrapped up in loving the face off the one they already have.)

23) The women’s section of Old Navy and Target has failed us. If you ever really want to fully embrace to “oversize” look then just frolic over the men’s section. All those flannels you’ve been tugging at, wishing they would actually be “oversize,” are hanging out in the men’s section waiting to kiss your elbows with their flannelish lips. Roll up the sleeves and get going. And then wear them leggings having no shame at all!

24) Facebook is a tricky thing. This is an invitation to step back and ask yourself, should I really post that? In the days of diaries, we never had to worry about this. Now all that we say is a microphone so be very, very careful. Here’s a link to all the best quotes from Maya Angelou. The next time you feel like posting something really ugly that you are going to regret, take a stab at one of these instead:http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3503.Maya_Angelou

25) Darling, darling–the victim song is never going to fit you. It will never be good enough for your lungs. It will never be good enough for your time. You are stronger than you know and more graceful than you know. Don’t let the parts of you that want to be a victim live on any longer. You’ve got a voice… you’ve got a story… Do us all a favor and use it. Without any apologies. Without any stepping back. If ever you need a listener, come find me…

guard your thoughts.

I have had a long, exhausting, challenging week and this one is going to be the same. I'm trying something new and in turn, most of October will be full of long, 60-hour work weeks that are going to be incredibly trying for numerous reasons.

So many times this week I questioned and doubted myself, wondering what I am doing..if I'm doing the right thing..if the outcome will be what I expect or if it will be an incredible disaster. It is so easy to let these thoughts run loose and take over. One worried thought leads to another and it becomes very overwhelming. The negative thoughts make me anxious because everything they bring to light seems so factual and so sure…they can be very believable.

Luckily, by some inner strength or wisdom, I have been able to keep these thoughts from going too far. I haven't completely eliminated them, but I have counteracted these negative thoughts with positive ones. I repeat all of the quotes of encouragement my friends have given me. Or I visualize what success in this situation will look like. I remember why I made this decision in the first place.

The combination of those things calms me down, reassures me, makes me feel positive and ambitious again. I can honestly say that just saying what I need to hear has helped me so much this past week. It makes everything seem achievable. I realize all I can ever do is take baby steps towards my goal, one day at a time, doing what I can where I am with what I have. If I visualize where these steps are going to take me, I can believe it. I can believe that I have what it takes to get me there.

So, I guess what I am saying is, that based on my experience this past week, guard your thoughts. There are so many negative images and messages we encounter everyday, and so many people out there ready to tear you down, that we owe it to ourselves to not be our own worst enemy. We have to respect ourselves enough to believe in the self even if no one else does. We have to protect, love and support ourselves enough to be our own first source of positivity and encouragement. Our thoughts become our actions -- we have to make them good, strong and powerful.

Ode to Grampa

A local magazine advertised an essay contest with the theme "Memories of your favorite Veteran" to be featured in their November issue in honor of Veteran's Day on November 11th.

I knew I had to submit something in memory of my Grampa. My grampa was one of the most important and influential people in my life and I miss him every day. There are so many times when I wish I could tell him something, share with him what is new in my life, or get his advice. I miss having him a mile away where I could walk in his door and hear his voice.

My grandma, his wife, was very special to me and I have so much of her in me (my mom often calls me "Little Betty") and I am so proud of that. She was a strong woman, a bit of a spitfire, and I'm so glad to carry her on a bit within my own personality. And, of course, she'll always live on in my memories and in my heart. But my grampa & I really had something special. Maybe it's because I had more years with him so we were able to become closer and create more memories. Or maybe it was because we are very similar, old souls. I feel that. I know it's something we share. My grampa's death really hit me hard and that day still lives with me. I got to tell my grandma good-bye; I got to hear her say "I love you" one more time. I had closure. I have never had that with my grampa. 

I'm sharing with you the essay I wrote for the magazine contest..an Ode to my Grampa, a World War II Veteran:

My grandfather will forever be one of the most important people in my life.  The memories that stand out the most to me are the little moments. The small things that turned out to have the largest impact, as is commonly the case.

I remember him to be a family man, generous and giving, protective, wanting the best for those he loved. He had so much compassion for others. He never met a stranger, something my Dad inherited and passed down to me. He could talk to you about anything, but he also loved to listen. He always asked what was new in my life and would smile as I told him. He lived through his descendants in the end. 

I remember his dedication. From his infamous garden (he was known around town for his garden) to his daily Euchre games. He was the best Euchre player -- I’m so glad I was able to have him as my partner and learned from a legend. I remember seeing him every morning on his daily walk as I drove to school. And every time I see a sunflower, I am reminded of him, as his garden was lined in sunflowers he nurtured. 

When I think of my grandpa, I remember in the end when his sight was bad and I would drive him to his doctor’s appointments. I remember feeling inconvenienced at times but now, looking back, I wouldn’t have traded that responsibility for anything. After all the sacrifices he made for me, I was able to give back. To show that I cared. I had the pleasure of our talks on these drives and being a bright spot in his day.

When I think of my grampa, I remember going through photo albums of his Army days and listening to him talk for hours of his memories of Normandy and his WWII buddies. I remember on what turned out to be his last Veteran’s Day calling him and saying “Thank You” and how touched he was by that gesture.

When I think of my grampa, I remember a day about a month after he received his 6 months to live sentence, when I asked him if he was scared. I was supposed to see him the next week. He passed away 4 days later. Today, I am so thankful that our last conversation was one that let me know he was at peace, that he was okay.

When I think of my grampa, I remember his voice, and his accent. The way he would answer the phone, and the funny things he would say, like “davenport" (which is, apparently, a couch).

But mostly, I remember pride. Pride for his country, his service, his family. Pride for hard work and a job well done. Pride for being loyal, dependable, and true to your word. That’s what he’s given me. I learned the meaning of honorable pride from my grandfather and that’s what I carry with me everyday. 

ROOTS.

{be faithful to your roots -- they are the foundation of your existence and the secret to your successes}

Thursday I got together with my first best friends, Suzy & Elaine. Elaine and I have known each other since Kindergarten, Suzy joined us in middle school. We were inseparable and have shared so many memories and laughs. I definitely couldn't imagine my life without them. We all went to different high schools and even more distance grew as we went on to college. We've sparingly gotten together and bumped into each other along the way but finally made plans this past week. It was amazing -- we picked up right where we left off. We caught up on each other's lives, we reminisced…we laughed so hard my face hurt. I love these girls, they're like family to me and I knew that's a bond we'll always share. But reconnecting this week just made my heart so happy. Now that we are all back and settled in Columbus, I am looking forward to making this a more frequent occasion.

On Friday, three of my best friends from college and I had a slumber party. There is a 5th member of our group who lives out of state so she unfortunately couldn't be there with us. We missed her dearly but she was there in spirit AND we have a November trip planned to see her :) It may seem odd for a group of 28 year old women, two of whom are married, to have a slumber party…but we don't care! It was the best, and much needed! Not to mention hard to plan -- we picked this date back in June. It took three months for us to all have a Friday night available. {life is far too busy} We made dinner, had a couple drinks, made cookies and stayed up talking in our pj's until 3am!!! It was a perfect night and so, so fun.

Saturday morning, I got up and went to Capital's homecoming only so I would get to see my Zeta sisters. My sorority had such an impact on my college experience and the sisterhood I share with such wonderful women is something I can't explain to people on the outside. Choosing to join Zeta will always be one of the best decisions I've ever made. And, like the cases above, life gets in the way of staying in touch. People move, they juggle family, friends, careers…it gets hard to stay connected. Our Zetas have a pretty solid, unified base so we stay in touch as best as we can, even if it is mostly through the grapevine of Facebook. That's why homecoming is such a special occasion, it is so rare to all be reunited. 

My heart feels refreshed after these past few days of renewed relationships. It was good to get back to my roots, back to a place that feels like home. Between my family, and my LA home, my original best friends, my soul sisters, my sorority sisters…I feel reminded of how blessed I am to have all of these amazing women in my life that I know will always be there. In looking forward on where we are going, it is important to remember where we came from, what makes us who we are, and who was there with us along the way.  

Reflections

I love moments of inspiration. I started this post off with the intention of writing about my love for inspirational quotes by sharing some of my favorites. That was going to be it. But as I wrote, my post took on words of its own and a whole different theme emerged. I wrote what I needed to express. It wasn't pre-determined, it was not meticulously thought out. I just wrote. It came to realization on its own. I apparently needed that beautiful moment of inspiration tonight. This is why I love the art of writing. So here they are, my uninhibited thoughts:

One thing I really reflected on during my vacation was the importance of inner peace - of honoring the self. Life is so busy and full of constant changes that it becomes easy to just hurriedly go through the motions. It's like the goal is to make it through this one thing just to get on to the next when, in reality, the goal should be to experience each and every "thing." Live in the moment. It's what everyone says that they want to do or they resolve to do or it is hard to do. And living in the moment is hard to do, something I want to do, that I've resolved to do. And then I realized I always approach this challenge of living in the moment with the question "How?" How am I going to practice this? But I was asking the wrong question. I need to instead ask myself "Why?" Why hadn't it worked in the past? Why is it so hard? Why haven't I yet mastered the art of living in the moment?

I determined that it is because "live in the moment" looks like it belongs on a to-do list -- and who needs more to do? The very thought of having to do one more thing stresses me out, so of course I'm not going to be in a devoted state of awareness when I attempt it. I wasn't giving it my full self. I was treating the challenge as an action, another motion to race through, rather than as a sense of being.

NOW I can ask myself "How?" How do I get to a place where I am living in each and every moment just purely by means of existing, of being? The answer is, I discovered, by honoring the self. Taking care of your inner self. I feel that can mean different things for different people, multiple things for each individual, that it will be ever-changing, that it will take some work. For me, it goes back to one of my favorite quotes:

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. 

It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

If I am calm in my heart, my mind will know peace. What better combination is there that will allow one's self to live in a moment? You won't be worrying about the trouble or hard work or noise because you will be at peace. And if you aren't worrying about those things?? Then of course you're going to be able to enjoy where you are -- in. each. moment. 

I'm going to carry those moments of reflection I enjoyed on vacation into my daily life. I don't want it to be scheduled or routine because then it goes back to becoming something on my to-do list. I am just going to make sure that I take some time each day to be with my inner self. I may focus on gratitude, or tests of strength, or inspiration..whatever my heart desires that day. The inner peace and calm will come, and as it does (I think) so will the ability to be in a state of "living in the moment."

Back to reality

It has been a long couple of weeks since I last posted due to a vacation out West and playing catch up ever since I got back. 

I had an amazing time being back out in LA with family and friends. It was a much needed getaway as it had been two years since I had seen these people who are so important in my life.  And, of course, one can use beautiful weather and the beach anytime!

My trip was perfect -- not an incredibly relaxing pace as I was constantly on the go but relaxing in that my mind was brought peace and my heart was made calm.  LA is my second home, the place my heart loves the most. So just being back felt comfortable and free. My shoulders felt a little less weighted and my breaths a little deeper.

My free mornings were spent having coffee and wonderful conversation with my great aunt who is one of my favorite people in this world. I feel a very special bond with her and miss her dearly when we're apart. The moments we spent together that week meant so much to me. I spent my free afternoons going to the beach. The awesome tan I got was just a bonus. I was perfectly happy to be sitting on the beach, watching and listening to the ocean waves roll in. One day I decided to stay and watch the sunset over the Pacific. It was absolutely beautiful and awe-inspiring. I was alone on the beach, with the exception of the six surfers out on the waves. It was so quiet, the perfect opportunity to contemplate the moment and live in it. I soaked up each and every second and my only thought was "Be here now."

Numerous dinners and brunches meant I got one on one time with all of my friends. One of my dearest friends and I spent a day shopping in Santa Monica, and a day by the pool. We went to visit another friend who just had a darling baby boy. Another friend and I went on hike at Griffith Park, one of my favorite places. I wrapped my week up with a weekend in Hollywood enjoying a fancy hotel room and a day on the rooftop lounging by the pool and drinking cocktails that were way too expensive but thoroughly enjoyed. I stayed with my gracious family for the week and got to enjoy some long over-due quality time with them as well. 

Anytime I leave LA, it is bittersweet. I'm always sad to leave my LA life, my family and friends there. I have so much fun when I'm there and know I'm just going to miss them so much when I get home. Yet, I miss things about home and always look forward to coming back as well. While flying home, I decided I am just going to relish in the blessing that is having two homes and two families to love, and who love you back. 

I'm at least glad to be back in time for my favorite season: FALL! Bring on Buckeye Football, Pumpkin Show, and crisp, cool weather begging for boots and sweaters. I'm going to take my renewed charge on life and delve into this new season of change -- I'm excited to see what's in store!

Perspective

I'm only a day into my vacation and I've already had humbling moments of perspective. 

Yesterday I was sitting on the runway forty-five minutes after my flight was supposed to leave when we learned we were twelfth in line for take off and it would be another twenty minutes. We were going to have more time involved at the airport than the trip was long (Vegas to LA -- about an hour in the air).  

I made friends with the girl beside me. We had a lot in common and I knew that this flight would be the extent of our relationship but already appreciated the brief connection. We started talking about the Louis C.K. bit about flying. Here we were about to complain about sitting on the runway when we were about to fly. Sitting in a chair. In the sky. Flying. Which takes such a short period of time compared to other means of travel. We talked about how crazed the people in the traffic control tower must be with twenty planes lined up and waiting to take off. And here we were sitting in an airplane, waiting to be able to cash in our drink vouchers, looking at the Vegas skyline. Suddenly a slight delay, during which I made a new friend, did not bother me at all. I felt calm, happy, relaxed -- thankful for the opportunity to soak in a beautiful moment. 

Another moment of perspective came at my younger cousin's first soccer game of the season. Some kids on the team were pretty good and had clearly played before. My cousin on the other hand was new to the team. I would have been so intimidated but he went out there and didn't seem overly nervous. The spectators were getting so into it and with every goal our team made, we wanted another one. Soon after my cousin subbed in, they came to the sidelines for a water break. Upon walking off the field my cousin declared "That was so much fun!"  He didn't even know the score of the game. I loved the reminder that we put so much pressure on kids to win, and not enough emphasis on having fun. Childhood, a time for no worries, lasts for such a short period of time, we need to let them savor it, teach them to savor it. Take a lesson from them that no matter what, you gotta have fun. Success is important, but so is how you play the game. In the end, no one (at least no one with any substance) cares how much money you made or if you were the absolute best. What does matter is that you were kind and had fun along the way. 

So much of our life is determined by our outlook. A shift in perspective is so good for the soul. 

California Dreamin'

I left my heart in California.  I moved there for a year and a half or so after college graduation and it has been, and I believe always will be, one of the best chapters of my life.

I came into my own there. I made the decision to move out West without a job lined up (luckily I landed one before the big move actually happened). I somehow talked my best friend into doing it with me. We moved out not knowing where we would live (we are forever indebted to my cousin's family for the futon in the spare, closet-less bedroom). We finally moved into a place after a few months and for the first month there we lived off of cheese quesadillas, she slept on the chaise and I slept on the love seat (purchased from a cousin's neighbor both for $250). After the first month, we had saved enough money to eventually get real beds. And then furniture. And then decor. And finally, after a solid six months we had made our sunny, perfect apartment in the Valley a home. All on our own. No driving fifteen minutes home and taking our furniture from our childhood room. This was ours - our hard work had finally paid off. Would it have been nice to move into a place and have it be perfect in a week's time? Yes. But would it have meant as much as this did? No. There's something to be said for the feeling of accomplishment that money can't buy. Life lesson learned.

I started my new, real world job not knowing anything about the industry or anyone at the office. I miss that feeling of excitement and anticipation..the process of independently discovering something new, something unknown. I learned the industry, caught on quick to my job and loved every minute of it (even the hour & a half commute -- I honestly miss it!).  I loved everyone in the office and on the crew and we actually had fun at work. I particularly bonded with Katie and we started hanging out - she introduced me to her friends which was such a blessing being new to the city. To this day she is still one of my closest friends, as are many of the girls I met through her. I love that 5 years after moving back to Ohio, I can still call them up, even if it has been months since our past conversation, and pick right up where we left off. 

Before Chanda & I moved back, we took a two week road trip around California. I guarantee it will remain one of the best trips of my entire life. We were so free, with not a care in the world. We tried new things, saw beautiful places and made memories that I will forever cherish. It was incredibly liberating.

When I let my mind wander to my life in California, I am reminded of all of these life changing experiences, people and memories and my heart just bursts with love and misses it desperately at the same time. I am reminded of how I felt when I was there and I realize it was my happiest time. I'm on a whole different level when I'm out there, I'm the most me when I'm out there. That's my center. 

It's been two long years since I've been there and I'm finally going back in one more day! I can hardly wait!! I'm a bit in disbelief. My week is chock full of catching up with my girl friends and quality time with my family. Grabbing drinks, catching shows, laying out, going hiking...for ten days it will be just like I'm living back there again (and I know I will not want to leave). It feels surreal that I'll finally be back, my heart will be home in just two more sleeps. I just might have to pinch myself. 

The knot at the end of my rope

There seems to be a stigma associated with going to therapy. I am here to tell you that going to see a counselor has been the best thing that I have ever done for myself. Literally. I mean that with every part of who I am. It is not a sign of weakness. It takes strength to work on yourself. 

I first sought out counseling in the very early months of 2013. There were certain things I was bringing into my relationship that were not healthy. I realized this and wanted to change. I wanted to be enough on my own or with my partner to fix the problem. But I learned time and time again that I just didn't have the tools to make it possible. I knew if I wanted to be better, I had to try something new. {you can't do what you've always done and expect different results} I made an appointment to meet with Mark, a counselor that came highly recommended from a very dear friend and couple. 

I loved my sessions with Mark. Mark is a very thoughtful listener (a necessary trait in his profession) and such a gentle spirit. Spending an hour talking about yourself, the hard parts about yourself, is a very vulnerable position to be in and yet he makes you feel very safe, very comfortable. Another really amazing thing about Mark is that he guides you to discover more about yourself. He doesn't sit there and tell you what you need to do or how to do it. He asks you questions you would never think to ask yourself and then you learn your way into the answer. It is a truly empowering experience. How could something YOU do, albeit with a helping hand, be a sign of weakness? 

It was lucky for me that I already had Mark in my life when I was blindsided by my breakup. He already knew me, about my relationship and about my partner (although he had unfortunately never met him, couples therapy was something we never tried). That first week I called Mark almost everyday when I had a particularly tough breakdown. I saw him 3 different times, always over my lunch break - an appointment made that same day when I would call him & say I just needed help. He could hear it in my voice. When I got through that initial week of darkness and finally stabilized, he would call to check in on me. I mean, he is literally the best - so caring. 

It's only been two months since my break up and the support I had from my friends and family have definitely given me strength but I know without a doubt that I absolutely would not be where I am  today, mentally and emotionally, if it weren't for Mark. He helped me gain so much understanding about my situation and helped me look at it from a healthy perspective. When some were making me feel otherwise, Mark told me it was okay to be sad. To mourn. To grieve. I had experienced a loss, a death of something so much a part of me. He let me know it was okay to take time to go through this process. He assured me that allowing myself to feel this pain, no matter how much it hurt, was the only way to come out healthy on the other side. And he was right. I feel no anger, no bitterness. I have closure, I've let go. I know I could not have gotten myself to this point without his help.

If you have ever felt like you wanted to see a counselor but felt embarrassed or weak or scared -- please go. Try it. Take that first step, overcome all of the negativity and do it. You owe it to yourself. 
Mark has helped me. I've gained so much insight and grown so much already. Yes, I went at first because I wanted to be a better partner in my relationship. But in turn, he has helped me become a better friend and a better Meghan, too. There is just nothing to lose.

I took the step and found something that made me feel safe, inspired, at peace, hopeful. We all need that knot at the end of our rope.