California Dreamin'

I left my heart in California.  I moved there for a year and a half or so after college graduation and it has been, and I believe always will be, one of the best chapters of my life.

I came into my own there. I made the decision to move out West without a job lined up (luckily I landed one before the big move actually happened). I somehow talked my best friend into doing it with me. We moved out not knowing where we would live (we are forever indebted to my cousin's family for the futon in the spare, closet-less bedroom). We finally moved into a place after a few months and for the first month there we lived off of cheese quesadillas, she slept on the chaise and I slept on the love seat (purchased from a cousin's neighbor both for $250). After the first month, we had saved enough money to eventually get real beds. And then furniture. And then decor. And finally, after a solid six months we had made our sunny, perfect apartment in the Valley a home. All on our own. No driving fifteen minutes home and taking our furniture from our childhood room. This was ours - our hard work had finally paid off. Would it have been nice to move into a place and have it be perfect in a week's time? Yes. But would it have meant as much as this did? No. There's something to be said for the feeling of accomplishment that money can't buy. Life lesson learned.

I started my new, real world job not knowing anything about the industry or anyone at the office. I miss that feeling of excitement and anticipation..the process of independently discovering something new, something unknown. I learned the industry, caught on quick to my job and loved every minute of it (even the hour & a half commute -- I honestly miss it!).  I loved everyone in the office and on the crew and we actually had fun at work. I particularly bonded with Katie and we started hanging out - she introduced me to her friends which was such a blessing being new to the city. To this day she is still one of my closest friends, as are many of the girls I met through her. I love that 5 years after moving back to Ohio, I can still call them up, even if it has been months since our past conversation, and pick right up where we left off. 

Before Chanda & I moved back, we took a two week road trip around California. I guarantee it will remain one of the best trips of my entire life. We were so free, with not a care in the world. We tried new things, saw beautiful places and made memories that I will forever cherish. It was incredibly liberating.

When I let my mind wander to my life in California, I am reminded of all of these life changing experiences, people and memories and my heart just bursts with love and misses it desperately at the same time. I am reminded of how I felt when I was there and I realize it was my happiest time. I'm on a whole different level when I'm out there, I'm the most me when I'm out there. That's my center. 

It's been two long years since I've been there and I'm finally going back in one more day! I can hardly wait!! I'm a bit in disbelief. My week is chock full of catching up with my girl friends and quality time with my family. Grabbing drinks, catching shows, laying out, going hiking...for ten days it will be just like I'm living back there again (and I know I will not want to leave). It feels surreal that I'll finally be back, my heart will be home in just two more sleeps. I just might have to pinch myself. 

The knot at the end of my rope

There seems to be a stigma associated with going to therapy. I am here to tell you that going to see a counselor has been the best thing that I have ever done for myself. Literally. I mean that with every part of who I am. It is not a sign of weakness. It takes strength to work on yourself. 

I first sought out counseling in the very early months of 2013. There were certain things I was bringing into my relationship that were not healthy. I realized this and wanted to change. I wanted to be enough on my own or with my partner to fix the problem. But I learned time and time again that I just didn't have the tools to make it possible. I knew if I wanted to be better, I had to try something new. {you can't do what you've always done and expect different results} I made an appointment to meet with Mark, a counselor that came highly recommended from a very dear friend and couple. 

I loved my sessions with Mark. Mark is a very thoughtful listener (a necessary trait in his profession) and such a gentle spirit. Spending an hour talking about yourself, the hard parts about yourself, is a very vulnerable position to be in and yet he makes you feel very safe, very comfortable. Another really amazing thing about Mark is that he guides you to discover more about yourself. He doesn't sit there and tell you what you need to do or how to do it. He asks you questions you would never think to ask yourself and then you learn your way into the answer. It is a truly empowering experience. How could something YOU do, albeit with a helping hand, be a sign of weakness? 

It was lucky for me that I already had Mark in my life when I was blindsided by my breakup. He already knew me, about my relationship and about my partner (although he had unfortunately never met him, couples therapy was something we never tried). That first week I called Mark almost everyday when I had a particularly tough breakdown. I saw him 3 different times, always over my lunch break - an appointment made that same day when I would call him & say I just needed help. He could hear it in my voice. When I got through that initial week of darkness and finally stabilized, he would call to check in on me. I mean, he is literally the best - so caring. 

It's only been two months since my break up and the support I had from my friends and family have definitely given me strength but I know without a doubt that I absolutely would not be where I am  today, mentally and emotionally, if it weren't for Mark. He helped me gain so much understanding about my situation and helped me look at it from a healthy perspective. When some were making me feel otherwise, Mark told me it was okay to be sad. To mourn. To grieve. I had experienced a loss, a death of something so much a part of me. He let me know it was okay to take time to go through this process. He assured me that allowing myself to feel this pain, no matter how much it hurt, was the only way to come out healthy on the other side. And he was right. I feel no anger, no bitterness. I have closure, I've let go. I know I could not have gotten myself to this point without his help.

If you have ever felt like you wanted to see a counselor but felt embarrassed or weak or scared -- please go. Try it. Take that first step, overcome all of the negativity and do it. You owe it to yourself. 
Mark has helped me. I've gained so much insight and grown so much already. Yes, I went at first because I wanted to be a better partner in my relationship. But in turn, he has helped me become a better friend and a better Meghan, too. There is just nothing to lose.

I took the step and found something that made me feel safe, inspired, at peace, hopeful. We all need that knot at the end of our rope.

Sunday Leisure-Day

I don't know about you but I need at least one day a week where I can push the reset button. I've been running myself thin the past couple of weeks (which has been great - don't get me wrong), but I'm someone where if I don't take care of me, my body starts to wear down quick. Luckily, I can bounce back just as quickly with a good night or two of sleep in a row. However, if my body is run down, chances are my mind is just as exhausted. For me, the two go hand in hand. I need some Meghan-time once in awhile or I can't focus wholly on everything else and that doesn't make me feel good!

Here's my reset day:

-I took a melatonin last night & slept in till 10am!
-I went on a 9 mile bike ride this morning.
-I took a quick power nap while the rain was coming down.
-I bought a new bathing suit (on sale!) for my upcoming vacation.
-I paid bills & balanced my checkbook. (May not sound fun but I actually like doing this, one less thing to worry about)
-I gave myself a mini mani-pedi.
-I went fishing & enjoyed a little bonfire.

Don't underestimate when that little voice inside you is calling for some "me-time." Just having some quiet alone time to make yourself feel right makes a world of difference. Now that I've paid myself some attention, I can take a deep breath and be ready to face the week!

Whether you had a Sunday Leisure-day or a Sunday Fun-day, I hope yours was a great one, too :)

Borrowed Wisdom

I stumbled across this list of 50 life changing truths and thought they were good enough to share.

Be inspired.

1. You only lose what you cling to.

2. You cannot lose what is not yours.

3. You have everything you need to be happy.

4. A happy life does not require much at all.

5. If you carry the bricks of your past with you, you will build the same house.

6. The things that are in your life you have created and attracted. To change your life, choose to change.

7. You do not have forever to be who you are right now.

8. Not getting what you want is sometimes the best thing that could happen.

9. There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

10. Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found.

11. It is always darkest before the dawn.

12. When things least seem like they’re going to change, that’s usually when they do.

13. You are as free as you decide to be.

14. The only important things in life are the little things– enjoy them the most.

15. You never arrive at happiness, you just learn to live it.

16. Take caution when you open your heart to people, everyone deserves your love and respect, but not everyone deserves a place inside you.

17. The only way to find peace is to create it within yourself, regardless of the chaos around you.

18. Change is the only constant in life, might as well get used to it now.

19. We build our own cages.

20. To love yourself means to treat yourself and think of yourself as the love of your life would.

21. Chase drinks and dreams, not people.

22. It’s usually not a matter of understanding the heart, but in toning down the mind.

23. Learn to use the heart and mind in tandem, but always in that order.

24. You can’t keep doing the same things and expect your life to change.

25. The only thing you have to do to erase the darkness is turn on a light.

26. The real way you teach people is by helping them to discover on their own.

27. Great things are usually preceded by chaos.

28. People are looking to love exactly the person you are. Don’t compromise yourself.

29. “Okay” is where we all end up eventually.

30. Feed yourself in every way the human body is supposed to be nourished.

31. There’s nothing wrong with indulging yourself.

32. You deserve wonderful things.

33. The person you are meant to be with will always find their way back to you. Always.

34. Find cause for celebration each day and you’ll never live a boring life.

35. It is absolutely true that people will forget what you said and what you did but will never forget how you made them feel.

36. No life is less valuable or beautiful than any other– not even yours.

37. Perfect is not the enemy of good.

38. If you’re reading this on a computer, on the internet, you have more than most of the world does. And yet, despite this, you find reasons to complain (we all do). The lesson? The more you have does not translate to the happier you are.

39. A simple life is the happiest life.

40. People will come and go as they are scheduled to. Let them. Holding on does not affect them, only you.

41. Nobody will give you permission to start living life.

42. Signs and messages are everywhere if only we start paying attention and stop being skeptical.

43. Hope is never lost, it is just ignored.

44. Do everything with a slow pace and a lot of love.

45. Let yourself be yourself.

46. Negative feelings aren’t inherently bad, we just assign a negative connotation to them.

47. Life itself was meant to be survived. If in the process, we find time to live, we can consider ourselves victorious.

48. Just because you feel something, even if someone else doesn’t does not mean it is illegitimate.

49. Just because someone is unkind to you that does not mean you have to be unkind to them. Their wrongdoings are their issues to deal with. Don’t let them become yours.

50. If you let other people’s negative opinions take weight within you, you’ll burn yourself alive, even though you didn’t start the fire.

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do small things with great love

I've always known I've had amazing friends. I'm sure everyone feels this way but it is easy to believe I have the best friends in the world. My friends are beautiful souls, kind & generous; it is an honor just having their friendship. I'm proud of the women they are -- just being around each of them makes one feel renewed & relaxed, inspired & hopeful, happy & loved. 

My friends also have ways of showing support that give meaning to the truth that the smallest moments and gestures have the biggest impact. I mentioned in a previous post that when I recently went through a hard time, I had an amazing group of people rallying around me, lifting me up and helping me realize my own strength. I received so many messages, texts and phone calls just offering words of encouragement, empathy and a listening ear whenever I wanted to talk. The many thoughtful check-ins just to see how I was doing or to say 'I'm thinking of you and praying for you' meant so much to me that I can't even describe it in words. Each and every kind gesture that I encountered was so powerful and seemed to always be at a moment when I needed it the most. I carried all of these positive affirmations in my head and in my heart and when I was having a particularly hard time, I'd think of something someone said or did and it snapped me back to that positive mentality of 'I can do this. Things will get better. It can only go up from here.'  It's hard to know how much you will ever need or depend on your friends but let me just say, I would not be where I am today without them! I can't imagine if I would have had to go through this alone. I am truly beyond blessed.

A sampling of the inspirational quotes I received:

a taste of my first weekend as a single girl; tokens of thoughtfulness; 

the serenity prayer; snail-mailed letters! 

"I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I don't believe I deserve my friends" -- Whitman

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