Over When It's Over

Tonight I was driving home, reflecting on 2013 and thinking about how ready I am for 2014:

I remember the beginning of 2013, the ups and the downs, the stress and the laughter, the new things and the exciting things, the love and happiness, the tears and insecurities.

I remember the middle of the year when it felt like my world was falling apart. When I lost something I never thought I'd lose and when I felt so hurt and disappointed, so wounded and sad.

I remember the fall when I bounced back, stronger than ever before. A new found freedom, confidence and courage. The finding of myself again and the creation of my vision for my new life.

I remember this winter, which started by me quitting a job where I was under-appreciated and starting my own business. Now I'm kind of in my own little bubble, with no one to answer to but myself, completely able to ebb & flow with life.

2013 was not what I expected it to be. There are those moments in life that are defining moments. Previously I had written about how living in California would forever be a defining chapter of my life. Well, 2013 gave me the 2nd defining chapter of my life. I look back on how much it changed, from one season to the next, from beginning to end, and I can't believe it. I never in a million years expected the year that started off so beautifully a year ago tomorrow to bring me what it has. 2013 has been my capstone course in my education of life. And I have a feeling that it is only the beginning.

And so, while I am thankful for the lessons and hard work of 2013, I am so ready for a fresh new start with 2014. Technically, you can create a clean slate at any moment but this January 1 will be a true, new beginning for me. 2014 will not be tainted with the heaviness of these past 6 months. It ends here. It stops today. I will be fearless. And I will say goodbye and close this chapter of my life.

When I turned on my road tonight, a song came on the radio. "Over when it's over" by Eric Church. Tears welled up in my eyes. This song has meaning for me. At the beginning of 2013, my ex and I would play this song and laugh the entire time because I could NEVER get the words right. Ever. I completely made them up. (I'm not good with the words to any song, but this one especially). It was a happy song for me because of that. Then, around the time of our break-up, this song became a sad song for me (I mean, listen to the lyrics - it is for a sure a break-up song). And then, now, today, as 2013 draws to a close, this song comes on -- seemingly as a way to commemorate my thoughts that this is over. It's done, the baggage is let go.

2014 has no room for what 2013 leaves behind. I'm taking my lessons and graduating to bigger & better things. I am starting 2014 off alone and I'm going to be so protective of what I let in. I will make no predictions as to what the year will hold for me {because, as I learned, it never goes according to your plan} All I know for 2014 is that I resolve to be happy, and to be fearless. One day at a time. I will make 2014 mine, and I will make it great, whatever it may bring.

The Meaning of Christmas

This Christmas was a very different one than those in the past. Normally, the day after Thanksgiving, I would get immediately in the Christmas spirit. I couldn't wait to listen to Christmas carols and watch my favorite Christmas movies. We used to go pick out the perfect live tree the day after Thanksgiving and would spend the day decorating it and the house. We went to the wild lights at the zoo. I loved thinking of creative gifts to give. I just loved the Christmas spirit. Church services seemed more meaningful and beautiful. And, for the most part, people seemed to be in a happier mood. They were more apt to smile for no reason, or to let a car go in front of them. I seemed to notice these behaviors and would partake in them myself.

I'm sure I lacked a bit of the Christmas spirit because I was comparing this Christmas to those in my recent past. And maybe I was partially in denial that it was really here this soon. It took my family awhile to put up our tree and I would say that we didn't really get in the Christmas spirit until a week or so before. We looked at the Christmas display downtown and went to a beautiful Christmas Choir concert. I went to a few festive parties and we finally drove around town to look at Christmas lights, and that all helped boost the spirit. Then we made our Christmas cookies, a favorite tradition.

I never made it to the zoo and I watched only one Christmas movie, and didn't catch the Christmas music station on my satellite radio until a week before. None of us did our Christmas shopping until the day before -which has NEVER happened. But, even if it was a little off at first, I am so glad that we didn't miss out on the spirit of the season entirely. It might have been delayed, but we finally got in the full spirit of Christmas.

No matter the reasons behind the Christmas season feeling a little less than Merry at first, it ended well. I ended my day yesterday fully living and understanding the meaning of Christmas. We (my parents and I) spent Christmas Eve with only my grandparents -- I remember when my cousins and I were all little, we would have a visit from Santa and the floor would be covered with wrapping paper. This year we didn't open any presents, we just spent time together. My parents and I spent our Christmas morning together and didn't have a lot of gifts to open but I wore my Santa hat and we ate cinnamon rolls, both traditions for as many years as I can remember. I literally could not think of anything to put on my Christmas list for my parents to get me, and vice versa, so we just counted our blessings. How blessed we are that we don't need anything. {Sure, I got some gift cards and money but probably my favorite gift was my Christmas card from my Dad -- "Meg, I hope your new year is bigger and better than this year. Remember your Mom and I are always behind you 100%. Always have been and always will be." -- It doesn't get any better than that.}

After our morning together, my grandparents came down and we all went to my aunt and uncle's. We have been going there for Christmas dinner for years and years. Deaths in the family and family growing apart have caused the numbers to dwindle a bit, which is sad. But it was so nice to go back there yesterday, and remember the tradition. It was nice to visit with my family that I don't see often and reminisce, laugh, eat and play Euchre.

When my parents and I got home, our electric went off. It was a nuisance but they assured us it would be on again soon -- and it was a couple hours later -- but I wasn't even mad. We had been looking forward to relaxing and watching some TV. I didn't want to use my wireless, my computer or my cell so the batteries wouldn't die. So it was an unexpected break from technology that I relished in. I decided to read a book. {The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry which I've read in English and French so many times I lost count. Everyone should read it. The lesson of the book fits the meaning of Christmas -- "One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eye."}

We built a fire and, just as my Dad was getting the generator hooked up, the electric came back on. We reflected on the lesson: Yes, we were without electric on Christmas, but someone was out there fixing our problem, away from their family and in the cold, on Christmas. Yes, we couldn't use our water (shower, toilet, anything) and it was getting colder but we had a roof over our head. The generator wouldn't have powered the whole house or lasted forever, but we had it. We were together, in want of nothing, on Christmas. Not every family is lucky enough to say that -- whether due to deployment, deaths, hospitalization, working 1st responders, distance -- there are a lot of families separated at the holidays. The poor and homeless -- they couldn't provide the things they wanted or needed; they didn't have warmth, or a feast to share.

My family was provided for and together on Christmas and had the best gift of all - love. And that is the true meaning of Christmas.

Little Surprises

I was reading through some blogs today and came across one story I just loved:

"An older couple came in and sat at one of my tables. The man had a bad leg. They were going to see a show. The woman asked me as kindly and modestly as possible if I wouldn’t mind not rushing them, even though she knew we were desperate to turn tables. I said no problem and spent an hour or so making it look like they were eating and drinking more than they were. They asked why I was working on Christmas Eve. I told them my mom did her own thing, as did my sister. They asked if I was married to which I jokingly told them in fact I had just been dumped a few hours previous. As I said it, tears welled up in my eyes. That feeling of being overtired, homesick, heart broken and frustrated by where I was standing at that very moment got me. I was holding three plates, smiled and excused myself. When the couple finally left, I was packing food for another table to take out. The woman came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, surprised, assuming I had forgotten something. She gave me an additional twenty dollars, and hugged me. Like, the kind of hug your grandma gives you She said, “everything will work out just fine for you. This will be a better year. I promise.”

You can read the full post here - this story was #4.

Reading this warmed my heart & brought a tear to my eye. I can relate to just how powerful little moments like this can be. Over this past week, I've had numerous little surprises happen to me that just touched me. I mean, little random acts of kindness are kind of always around but for some reason, lately my life has been filled with them. It honestly makes a world of difference. It just brightens your day, has the power to change your mood, and really renews your faith in humanity -- at least thats what it does for me. 

Hearing from an old friend who just wanted to check in, being given the benefit of the doubt, being paid a compliment from someone who you thought didn't even think about you any more, knowing something you did was appreciated and made a difference. Even polite drivers in traffic! These are all things I've experienced this week and each one made me realize what huge impacts we can make on others with just the tiniest gesture or kind word. 

With the commercialization and hustle & bustle of the holiday season, it is easy to get caught up in our own little world of impatiently rushing around, with only concern for ourself. The holiday season doesn't seem quite the same for me this time around but I still want to focus on not becoming an angry elf :) 

We're supposed to be Merry, and spreading Cheer. There is a joy of the season that we should spread -- and should resolve to carry out into the New Year. 

"Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly and most underrated agent of human change. Kindness that catches us by surprise brings out the best in our natures."

~Bob Kerry

Live in Truth

I had a tough week this week.

It started off normal & great. I was feeling happy, ambitious & motivated, in control.
But as the week went on, a couple things sprung up that just caught me off guard, I guess. I was knocked back a few steps. I  actually don't think that is a problem. That happens in life - sometimes your 10 steps forward are followed by a few steps back. It has happened before, and will happen again. The actual problem is how I feel about those steps back. I hate going backwards. I have worked so hard to move forward. I am a very prideful person, and anyone who knows me well knows that I put on a strong front and take on everything internally because of that pride. So I hate it when something knocks my control loose and shakes my internal…wall, if you will. Because then it is no longer easy to stay strong on the outside -- and that is something prideful Me hates.

Whenever I take a tumble backwards, I have a few day recovery period before I can move forward. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I wallow a bit in those sad feelings of disappointment. Of "How can you let this happen?" and "Maybe you hadn't moved quite as forward as you thought." I second guess all the progress I thought I had made. And the worst part is, I know those thoughts aren't truth. Logically, I tell myself everything I've learned and can make sense of why I fell back. I talk myself through it and yet still feel sad. My therapist told me to let yourself feel and live in every emotion because your emotions are truth. You have to listen to them. By listening to your emotions & understanding them, then you can do something about it, you can manage them. So, I let myself feel sad long enough to figure out that I hate it so much that I have to do something about it, although I don't always know what that means.

Yesterday was proof that things happen when you need them to. I was talking to one of my favorite friends about my week and {like I knew she would} she inspired me and taught me to realize something. That steps backwards are allowed to frustrate you, but you still have to seize the opportunity to learn from them. She said sometimes you learn more from the bad than the good and so I realized, "Yes, I am supposed to be learning something from this." For me, there is healing in learning so I have to embrace that. Then, I happened upon an article about people who experience hardships, appreciate the positive-present more than those who hadn't. Immediately after that, I saw a quote somebody shared that said "You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life."  Essentially, all of these things coming into my life yesterday was my cue that I've done enough wallowing about my plateau, and now I need to move on. I picked up the book I'm reading and was reminded of its lesson that right when you are on that ledge between known and unknown, fear and security, comfort and discomfort, that moment when you feel like you have no control…that is when you truly have the most control. That is when you are most in the moment of truth. Jumping off that ledge into some unknown is when you practice the most courage and when you have the most to gain. And you are completely in control of that decision and that moment.

So I reflected on where I was, and had been for a few days. The moment on the ledge of being sad about going backwards. I let myself live there for a minute. I let myself remember that I hated it because it took away my control. And then I took control. I made the decision that was up to me to make. That I have to focus on moving forward. The next time I have a bad day and find I went a few steps back, my goal is to remember this lesson. To live there in that moment long enough to appreciate and accept it. And then, to take control and make the decision to jump off the ledge and move forward.