Live in Truth

I had a tough week this week.

It started off normal & great. I was feeling happy, ambitious & motivated, in control.
But as the week went on, a couple things sprung up that just caught me off guard, I guess. I was knocked back a few steps. I  actually don't think that is a problem. That happens in life - sometimes your 10 steps forward are followed by a few steps back. It has happened before, and will happen again. The actual problem is how I feel about those steps back. I hate going backwards. I have worked so hard to move forward. I am a very prideful person, and anyone who knows me well knows that I put on a strong front and take on everything internally because of that pride. So I hate it when something knocks my control loose and shakes my internal…wall, if you will. Because then it is no longer easy to stay strong on the outside -- and that is something prideful Me hates.

Whenever I take a tumble backwards, I have a few day recovery period before I can move forward. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I wallow a bit in those sad feelings of disappointment. Of "How can you let this happen?" and "Maybe you hadn't moved quite as forward as you thought." I second guess all the progress I thought I had made. And the worst part is, I know those thoughts aren't truth. Logically, I tell myself everything I've learned and can make sense of why I fell back. I talk myself through it and yet still feel sad. My therapist told me to let yourself feel and live in every emotion because your emotions are truth. You have to listen to them. By listening to your emotions & understanding them, then you can do something about it, you can manage them. So, I let myself feel sad long enough to figure out that I hate it so much that I have to do something about it, although I don't always know what that means.

Yesterday was proof that things happen when you need them to. I was talking to one of my favorite friends about my week and {like I knew she would} she inspired me and taught me to realize something. That steps backwards are allowed to frustrate you, but you still have to seize the opportunity to learn from them. She said sometimes you learn more from the bad than the good and so I realized, "Yes, I am supposed to be learning something from this." For me, there is healing in learning so I have to embrace that. Then, I happened upon an article about people who experience hardships, appreciate the positive-present more than those who hadn't. Immediately after that, I saw a quote somebody shared that said "You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life."  Essentially, all of these things coming into my life yesterday was my cue that I've done enough wallowing about my plateau, and now I need to move on. I picked up the book I'm reading and was reminded of its lesson that right when you are on that ledge between known and unknown, fear and security, comfort and discomfort, that moment when you feel like you have no control…that is when you truly have the most control. That is when you are most in the moment of truth. Jumping off that ledge into some unknown is when you practice the most courage and when you have the most to gain. And you are completely in control of that decision and that moment.

So I reflected on where I was, and had been for a few days. The moment on the ledge of being sad about going backwards. I let myself live there for a minute. I let myself remember that I hated it because it took away my control. And then I took control. I made the decision that was up to me to make. That I have to focus on moving forward. The next time I have a bad day and find I went a few steps back, my goal is to remember this lesson. To live there in that moment long enough to appreciate and accept it. And then, to take control and make the decision to jump off the ledge and move forward.