new beginnings & painful endings

I left off needing to tell you why there has been a sudden shift in my outlook on life. Sorry to keep you hanging for a few days, but this was a tough post to write.

Pre-June 14th, 2011: I was an independent, confident, single woman who spent almost every waking moment with my friends, at a social event or volunteering on charity committees. I never dated much. I loved being me, and I wasn’t bothered by being the 3rd wheel, the 5th wheel, even sometimes the 7th wheel. I didn’t want to date just to date. I’d rather spend my time doing things for me or things with my friends. If I was going to give that up for someone, they were going to have to be pretty great. I had set some high standards. 

June 14th, 2011: What used to be described as “the best day of our lives, the day we met the love of our lives.”  A blind date that changed my world. It was absolutely perfect. I will never forget that moment we met, that feeling. I can still see it as if it were yesterday. 

We were immediately inseparable, immediately comfortable. Like our souls had known each other forever. He was my person, my best friend, my other half. He was my first love, my first serious relationship. I know that is something that can never be replaced or duplicated. Over the next 2 years our relationship grew, and had ups and downs, and evolved. We made memories, shared laughs, built dreams. I was certain we’d grow old together, I would have fought till my dying day, would have given all I have to make it so.

June 11, 2013: I walked in the door after going to my best friend’s final dress try-on for her wedding that coming Saturday. I am still not sure how it happened but I suddenly was sitting on our floor, in this conversation. And then, after 3 or 4 hours, we were done. Over. My heart was breaking & my world was crashing down on me. Our beautiful love was broken and gone. What I knew our love could be would never be realized. I didn't want it to be real, couldn't believe it was really happening. Over.

Post June 11, 2013: Obviously, I was a mess for the first couple of weeks. I bounced back, I got stronger. I don't know that I'll ever have closure but I have come to accept it. {Well, my mind has come to accept it. My heart is healing.} Acceptance is the first step to moving on, I guess. One thing is for certain, I had the MOST AMAZING support group anyone could ever be blessed to have (I’ll write more on that later). I could not have gotten to where I am now, just merely a month later, without the friends and family I had rallying by my side. In the last month, I’ve realized that I can’t depend on anyone else to complete my life. I can’t trust anyone else to take care of me. I have to do me. I have to put me first because if I don’t, then who will? 

I don’t want to imply selfishness, because that isn’t the case. To get love, you have to give love. And I don’t want to say that relationships don’t take sacrifice or compromises, either, because they do. It’s just that...you can’t lose yourself. So I’ve resolved to find myself again, and when the time is right, and when the person is right, someone else will find me, too. 

Side note: I'm not going to go into details of the breakup but I would like to say, because everyone seems to ask, I'm not angry at him. If anything,  I'm still in his corner, I want the best for him. I'm sad, but also I want to say thank you. And whenever I think of him, I say a little prayer for him. That makes it better. 

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