Moments of Quietude

So, remember a couple of posts ago when I said I'm going to try to live in the moment by being calm in my heart?? It's working!! :)  I've had some recent experiences that have helped me realize what moments of peace look like, feel like. And the peace those moments brought me has lived with me. It's a great feeling. It's making everything better. I'm having a great, busy week and yet my heart doesn't feel busy at all! I am definitely noticing myself being more conscious of the moments I'm living in and just freely enjoying them. My heart isn't busy, it's happy.

Here's how it happened:

Last week I went on a 3 mile walk with one of my best friends. It was perfect! We got to exercise, catch up and be one with nature all at once. Watching the sun go down, smelling the country air and feeling the crisp fall breeze…it doesn't get more peaceful than that!

{doesn't this just make your heart be still?}

Then, this past weekend, I went for a little weekend getaway to Tennessee. The whole point of the trip was to not think about anything so I took that viewpoint to heart and didn't really think twice about going. I said yes and went with it, which is a little unlike me. This in and of itself made it a bit of a liberating experience that allowed my heart to be free. {Turns out a free heart makes for a calm heart}

You know the phrase "follow your heart" --I personally like "follow your arrow, wherever it points"-- I think it was coined for a reason. Your heart knows what you need. My heart told me to go on this getaway because it knew it would be good for me. And: it was the best thing I've done for myself in a long, long time.  Everyone knows you don't relax on the weekends - you're either catching up on chores or errands, or catching up with friends you lost touch with during the week. That's what we do on weekends, and that's great. But what do you do when you just need to relax? Get a massage? Never a bad idea, of course but, if you're like me, your mind never stops racing, reviewing everything you need to do once you leave. Go on vacation? No, not me. My vacations aren't even all that relaxing. Fun, and necessary, yes. But not relaxing - there's still something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see. There was NONE of that this weekend. Absolutely none. I had nothing to do. I cannot even tell you the last time that happened in my life. I don't remember.  

This weekend I sat on the couch in a log cabin in the Tennessee mountains that overlooked a cove of Ft Loudoun lake. I watched football. I took a two hour nap. And then I took several more cat naps after that. I ate delicious home cooked meal after home cooked meal. We barely left the house and when we did it was to go sit at the dock, or go to the marina for dinner, or take an aimless drive through town. 

We all know that would never happen at home. You feel guilty for relaxing, for not getting something done. This weekend, guilt was not on the itinerary. I didn't think or worry about one thing. Literally. Time stopped, my mind was still. I knew peace. 

{so calm, so quiet}

Borrowed Wisdom

My best friend shared this blog post with me from fellow blogger Hannah Brencher. 
I love sources of inspiration & this is an amazing example :) Read & enjoy! 

1) Life is a steep, uphill battle but it’s fierce & it’s beautiful & you’ll be sad to see it go if you live it right.

2) New people won’t stop coming into your life and opportunities won’t stop knocking on the door but you need to have the space for them. In all you currently have– be them relationships or obligations– step back and ask yourself “why.” If you can find the answer, hold tighter. If the answer escapes you, it’s time to let something go.

3) You should resolve to be awesome for the rest of your life. Right now. Do it.

4) Leggings, no matter how much we wish, will never one day magically transform into pants. Wearing them with tops that don’t cover your bum is not cute. Please, please, please stock up on pants.

5) Goals are not a January 1st kind of thing. Set them weekly. Set them monthly. Set them so that you are moving forward and always trying to progress. Life can grow stagnant without them… beware.

6) Tuna and barbeque sauce are as unlikely a couple as Sandy and Danny from Grease. However, they go together. They go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong. Don’t gag at the computer, I promise I am not fooling you. Mix the two together with some brown rice and you’ve got a bomb.com lunch.

7) Confidence is a sexy thing. Guys dig it. Girls dig it. We all dig it.

8) I agree with Bruno Mars and, if I were a good singer, I’d serenade you alongside him in singing how I hope he buys you flowers… and holds your hands… and takes you to parties if you like to dance. You deserve that. Always. Don’t think you should have less than that. You are worthy beyond words, gal.

9) And maybe Bruno Mars should be president because he’s also right to say that you are amazing. Just the way you are. No frill. No big introductions. You’re unlike anyone else and you should lean into that every morning. Every evening. Every hour.

9.5) Knowing your states & geography is a really precious thing. As a recovering “I didn’t pay attention in Geography class and forgot my states one by one so that boys would think I was ditzy & cute, and it was, in fact, ditzy & cute until the day I made the mistake of asking everyone in Missouri how they liked living down south,” I can say firsthand that it’s really wonderful to know that Russia isn’t on top of the US and that Delaware is, in fact, a state. The moral of this bloated story: guys have never wanted us to be stupid. They actually like brain cells. It’s a wonder & a mystery but they really kind of, sort of, definitely like girls with a noggin. ALL HAIL THE LADIES WHO LIKE HTML CODING & UNDERSTAND MARXIST THEORY!! HOLLAAAA!!! WE WINNNN AFTER ALL THESE YEARSSSS!!

10) Your spirit will never benefit from shallow people. You gotz to cut the toxic out of your life, boo.

11) And if you make mean comments, and you talk about people behind their back without ever trying to love them or see where they are coming from, you MIGHT be the toxic one. Oof. I’m not trying to burn you, just trying to say that relationships are too valuable to muddy them up with what you perceive to be the shortcomings of someone else. Big girls do bigger things than that.

12) So yea, I’ll drive the point home: gossip is shallow and stupid. Hobbies are better. Social good is best 

13) Nude pumps. They’re good for the soul. They are a must-have in any serious closet. Buy a pair one day and I can promise your whole entire style statement will benefit from them.

14) Here’s the truth: you are going to waste a lot of hours focusing on who you are not, or who you want to secretly be. But you won’t ever wake up and actually be that person. You’ve got to embrace what you bring to the table. If you don’t like what that is, have the courage to change it.

15) The world does not revolve around us. Turns out that we are just little points of punctuation in a much bigger story glittered with periods & commas & dashes. How are you helping that story to be better? How are you being the best dang point of punctuation that you can be?

16) If you ever find yourself frying Oreos on the stove top (and being an absolute BOSS at it), do not, I REPEAT, do not take the simmering pot of grease straight from the stove and pour it directly into the sink. The thing will straight up explode… And grease will fly everywhere… And you will risk burning your pretty little face off… And then everyone will probably call you “Vat of Grease Face” or “Grease Lightning” (what is with all the Grease references, Hannah?!) for the rest of your life… And, if they do, you can refer them to this blog post and tell them to read point #11. But still, dump the grease outside and keep your face intact.

17) If you want to run a serious business, if you want people to take you seriously, then start your engine and sign out some library books. Business books are proof that God loves us. Lean In by Sheryl Sandbergwill make you a better leader. Seth Godin is the dude you wanted to take the prom all these years and never knew it until you cracked open his book “Tribes.”

18) No matter how tech savvy we get, there is a need to say things to a person’s face. Please, for the love of lovelier things, have the courage to call someone up and verbalize your thoughts or meet for a coffee.Breaking a heart is hard stuff, stopping a relationship is never fun, but there will never be anything as loud as this statement: You are worth my words. You are worth my presence. You are worth, and will always be worth, more than just letters on a screen and a broken heart jammed in the crooks of an overflowing inbox. Face to face connections are fading faster, please don’t let them get away…

19) First impressions are important. Really. That truth never changes. So refer to point #4. Really meditate on it.

20) No matter what kind of interview you are gearing up for, there are certain standards you should always hold yourself to: wearing something other than jeans, not talking out your phone during the interview, sending a handwritten note afterwards. An interview means you want something but it doesn’t mean they have to give it to you.

21) Regret is a real thing. It’s going to happen. It’s going to come clomp-clomp-clomping into your life at some point. Don’t hold onto things forever but learn from them and let the past go. The past will be a dictator if you let her.

22) You never want to be the COTS (chick on the side). Girls, GIRLS!!!! IF A GUY HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND HE IS STILL TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU IN A “YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I WANT” WAY, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. HE SHOULD MAN UP AND ACTUALLY LET THE OTHER GIRL GO. IF HE DOES NOT THEN WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. You are worth so much more than second string in relationships. And being a COTS is not an endearing title. Be the better lady and hop off his swag; you are breaking the heart of girl you don’t even know without ever really meaning to. (And truthfully: real men aren’t interested in finding another gal, they’re too wrapped up in loving the face off the one they already have.)

23) The women’s section of Old Navy and Target has failed us. If you ever really want to fully embrace to “oversize” look then just frolic over the men’s section. All those flannels you’ve been tugging at, wishing they would actually be “oversize,” are hanging out in the men’s section waiting to kiss your elbows with their flannelish lips. Roll up the sleeves and get going. And then wear them leggings having no shame at all!

24) Facebook is a tricky thing. This is an invitation to step back and ask yourself, should I really post that? In the days of diaries, we never had to worry about this. Now all that we say is a microphone so be very, very careful. Here’s a link to all the best quotes from Maya Angelou. The next time you feel like posting something really ugly that you are going to regret, take a stab at one of these instead:http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3503.Maya_Angelou

25) Darling, darling–the victim song is never going to fit you. It will never be good enough for your lungs. It will never be good enough for your time. You are stronger than you know and more graceful than you know. Don’t let the parts of you that want to be a victim live on any longer. You’ve got a voice… you’ve got a story… Do us all a favor and use it. Without any apologies. Without any stepping back. If ever you need a listener, come find me…

guard your thoughts.

I have had a long, exhausting, challenging week and this one is going to be the same. I'm trying something new and in turn, most of October will be full of long, 60-hour work weeks that are going to be incredibly trying for numerous reasons.

So many times this week I questioned and doubted myself, wondering what I am doing..if I'm doing the right thing..if the outcome will be what I expect or if it will be an incredible disaster. It is so easy to let these thoughts run loose and take over. One worried thought leads to another and it becomes very overwhelming. The negative thoughts make me anxious because everything they bring to light seems so factual and so sure…they can be very believable.

Luckily, by some inner strength or wisdom, I have been able to keep these thoughts from going too far. I haven't completely eliminated them, but I have counteracted these negative thoughts with positive ones. I repeat all of the quotes of encouragement my friends have given me. Or I visualize what success in this situation will look like. I remember why I made this decision in the first place.

The combination of those things calms me down, reassures me, makes me feel positive and ambitious again. I can honestly say that just saying what I need to hear has helped me so much this past week. It makes everything seem achievable. I realize all I can ever do is take baby steps towards my goal, one day at a time, doing what I can where I am with what I have. If I visualize where these steps are going to take me, I can believe it. I can believe that I have what it takes to get me there.

So, I guess what I am saying is, that based on my experience this past week, guard your thoughts. There are so many negative images and messages we encounter everyday, and so many people out there ready to tear you down, that we owe it to ourselves to not be our own worst enemy. We have to respect ourselves enough to believe in the self even if no one else does. We have to protect, love and support ourselves enough to be our own first source of positivity and encouragement. Our thoughts become our actions -- we have to make them good, strong and powerful.

Ode to Grampa

A local magazine advertised an essay contest with the theme "Memories of your favorite Veteran" to be featured in their November issue in honor of Veteran's Day on November 11th.

I knew I had to submit something in memory of my Grampa. My grampa was one of the most important and influential people in my life and I miss him every day. There are so many times when I wish I could tell him something, share with him what is new in my life, or get his advice. I miss having him a mile away where I could walk in his door and hear his voice.

My grandma, his wife, was very special to me and I have so much of her in me (my mom often calls me "Little Betty") and I am so proud of that. She was a strong woman, a bit of a spitfire, and I'm so glad to carry her on a bit within my own personality. And, of course, she'll always live on in my memories and in my heart. But my grampa & I really had something special. Maybe it's because I had more years with him so we were able to become closer and create more memories. Or maybe it was because we are very similar, old souls. I feel that. I know it's something we share. My grampa's death really hit me hard and that day still lives with me. I got to tell my grandma good-bye; I got to hear her say "I love you" one more time. I had closure. I have never had that with my grampa. 

I'm sharing with you the essay I wrote for the magazine contest..an Ode to my Grampa, a World War II Veteran:

My grandfather will forever be one of the most important people in my life.  The memories that stand out the most to me are the little moments. The small things that turned out to have the largest impact, as is commonly the case.

I remember him to be a family man, generous and giving, protective, wanting the best for those he loved. He had so much compassion for others. He never met a stranger, something my Dad inherited and passed down to me. He could talk to you about anything, but he also loved to listen. He always asked what was new in my life and would smile as I told him. He lived through his descendants in the end. 

I remember his dedication. From his infamous garden (he was known around town for his garden) to his daily Euchre games. He was the best Euchre player -- I’m so glad I was able to have him as my partner and learned from a legend. I remember seeing him every morning on his daily walk as I drove to school. And every time I see a sunflower, I am reminded of him, as his garden was lined in sunflowers he nurtured. 

When I think of my grandpa, I remember in the end when his sight was bad and I would drive him to his doctor’s appointments. I remember feeling inconvenienced at times but now, looking back, I wouldn’t have traded that responsibility for anything. After all the sacrifices he made for me, I was able to give back. To show that I cared. I had the pleasure of our talks on these drives and being a bright spot in his day.

When I think of my grampa, I remember going through photo albums of his Army days and listening to him talk for hours of his memories of Normandy and his WWII buddies. I remember on what turned out to be his last Veteran’s Day calling him and saying “Thank You” and how touched he was by that gesture.

When I think of my grampa, I remember a day about a month after he received his 6 months to live sentence, when I asked him if he was scared. I was supposed to see him the next week. He passed away 4 days later. Today, I am so thankful that our last conversation was one that let me know he was at peace, that he was okay.

When I think of my grampa, I remember his voice, and his accent. The way he would answer the phone, and the funny things he would say, like “davenport" (which is, apparently, a couch).

But mostly, I remember pride. Pride for his country, his service, his family. Pride for hard work and a job well done. Pride for being loyal, dependable, and true to your word. That’s what he’s given me. I learned the meaning of honorable pride from my grandfather and that’s what I carry with me everyday. 

ROOTS.

{be faithful to your roots -- they are the foundation of your existence and the secret to your successes}

Thursday I got together with my first best friends, Suzy & Elaine. Elaine and I have known each other since Kindergarten, Suzy joined us in middle school. We were inseparable and have shared so many memories and laughs. I definitely couldn't imagine my life without them. We all went to different high schools and even more distance grew as we went on to college. We've sparingly gotten together and bumped into each other along the way but finally made plans this past week. It was amazing -- we picked up right where we left off. We caught up on each other's lives, we reminisced…we laughed so hard my face hurt. I love these girls, they're like family to me and I knew that's a bond we'll always share. But reconnecting this week just made my heart so happy. Now that we are all back and settled in Columbus, I am looking forward to making this a more frequent occasion.

On Friday, three of my best friends from college and I had a slumber party. There is a 5th member of our group who lives out of state so she unfortunately couldn't be there with us. We missed her dearly but she was there in spirit AND we have a November trip planned to see her :) It may seem odd for a group of 28 year old women, two of whom are married, to have a slumber party…but we don't care! It was the best, and much needed! Not to mention hard to plan -- we picked this date back in June. It took three months for us to all have a Friday night available. {life is far too busy} We made dinner, had a couple drinks, made cookies and stayed up talking in our pj's until 3am!!! It was a perfect night and so, so fun.

Saturday morning, I got up and went to Capital's homecoming only so I would get to see my Zeta sisters. My sorority had such an impact on my college experience and the sisterhood I share with such wonderful women is something I can't explain to people on the outside. Choosing to join Zeta will always be one of the best decisions I've ever made. And, like the cases above, life gets in the way of staying in touch. People move, they juggle family, friends, careers…it gets hard to stay connected. Our Zetas have a pretty solid, unified base so we stay in touch as best as we can, even if it is mostly through the grapevine of Facebook. That's why homecoming is such a special occasion, it is so rare to all be reunited. 

My heart feels refreshed after these past few days of renewed relationships. It was good to get back to my roots, back to a place that feels like home. Between my family, and my LA home, my original best friends, my soul sisters, my sorority sisters…I feel reminded of how blessed I am to have all of these amazing women in my life that I know will always be there. In looking forward on where we are going, it is important to remember where we came from, what makes us who we are, and who was there with us along the way.  

Reflections

I love moments of inspiration. I started this post off with the intention of writing about my love for inspirational quotes by sharing some of my favorites. That was going to be it. But as I wrote, my post took on words of its own and a whole different theme emerged. I wrote what I needed to express. It wasn't pre-determined, it was not meticulously thought out. I just wrote. It came to realization on its own. I apparently needed that beautiful moment of inspiration tonight. This is why I love the art of writing. So here they are, my uninhibited thoughts:

One thing I really reflected on during my vacation was the importance of inner peace - of honoring the self. Life is so busy and full of constant changes that it becomes easy to just hurriedly go through the motions. It's like the goal is to make it through this one thing just to get on to the next when, in reality, the goal should be to experience each and every "thing." Live in the moment. It's what everyone says that they want to do or they resolve to do or it is hard to do. And living in the moment is hard to do, something I want to do, that I've resolved to do. And then I realized I always approach this challenge of living in the moment with the question "How?" How am I going to practice this? But I was asking the wrong question. I need to instead ask myself "Why?" Why hadn't it worked in the past? Why is it so hard? Why haven't I yet mastered the art of living in the moment?

I determined that it is because "live in the moment" looks like it belongs on a to-do list -- and who needs more to do? The very thought of having to do one more thing stresses me out, so of course I'm not going to be in a devoted state of awareness when I attempt it. I wasn't giving it my full self. I was treating the challenge as an action, another motion to race through, rather than as a sense of being.

NOW I can ask myself "How?" How do I get to a place where I am living in each and every moment just purely by means of existing, of being? The answer is, I discovered, by honoring the self. Taking care of your inner self. I feel that can mean different things for different people, multiple things for each individual, that it will be ever-changing, that it will take some work. For me, it goes back to one of my favorite quotes:

"Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. 

It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

If I am calm in my heart, my mind will know peace. What better combination is there that will allow one's self to live in a moment? You won't be worrying about the trouble or hard work or noise because you will be at peace. And if you aren't worrying about those things?? Then of course you're going to be able to enjoy where you are -- in. each. moment. 

I'm going to carry those moments of reflection I enjoyed on vacation into my daily life. I don't want it to be scheduled or routine because then it goes back to becoming something on my to-do list. I am just going to make sure that I take some time each day to be with my inner self. I may focus on gratitude, or tests of strength, or inspiration..whatever my heart desires that day. The inner peace and calm will come, and as it does (I think) so will the ability to be in a state of "living in the moment."

Back to reality

It has been a long couple of weeks since I last posted due to a vacation out West and playing catch up ever since I got back. 

I had an amazing time being back out in LA with family and friends. It was a much needed getaway as it had been two years since I had seen these people who are so important in my life.  And, of course, one can use beautiful weather and the beach anytime!

My trip was perfect -- not an incredibly relaxing pace as I was constantly on the go but relaxing in that my mind was brought peace and my heart was made calm.  LA is my second home, the place my heart loves the most. So just being back felt comfortable and free. My shoulders felt a little less weighted and my breaths a little deeper.

My free mornings were spent having coffee and wonderful conversation with my great aunt who is one of my favorite people in this world. I feel a very special bond with her and miss her dearly when we're apart. The moments we spent together that week meant so much to me. I spent my free afternoons going to the beach. The awesome tan I got was just a bonus. I was perfectly happy to be sitting on the beach, watching and listening to the ocean waves roll in. One day I decided to stay and watch the sunset over the Pacific. It was absolutely beautiful and awe-inspiring. I was alone on the beach, with the exception of the six surfers out on the waves. It was so quiet, the perfect opportunity to contemplate the moment and live in it. I soaked up each and every second and my only thought was "Be here now."

Numerous dinners and brunches meant I got one on one time with all of my friends. One of my dearest friends and I spent a day shopping in Santa Monica, and a day by the pool. We went to visit another friend who just had a darling baby boy. Another friend and I went on hike at Griffith Park, one of my favorite places. I wrapped my week up with a weekend in Hollywood enjoying a fancy hotel room and a day on the rooftop lounging by the pool and drinking cocktails that were way too expensive but thoroughly enjoyed. I stayed with my gracious family for the week and got to enjoy some long over-due quality time with them as well. 

Anytime I leave LA, it is bittersweet. I'm always sad to leave my LA life, my family and friends there. I have so much fun when I'm there and know I'm just going to miss them so much when I get home. Yet, I miss things about home and always look forward to coming back as well. While flying home, I decided I am just going to relish in the blessing that is having two homes and two families to love, and who love you back. 

I'm at least glad to be back in time for my favorite season: FALL! Bring on Buckeye Football, Pumpkin Show, and crisp, cool weather begging for boots and sweaters. I'm going to take my renewed charge on life and delve into this new season of change -- I'm excited to see what's in store!